Do you live in Defence Mode?

Are you always on the look out for a put down? Do you detect a criticism behind every question? Perhaps you plan things carefully, anxious to spot a weakness in your ideas before anyone else points it out.

All this defending takes up our time and energy and yet we feel compelled to do it. We find ourselves justifying the way we’ve done things in case someone else thinks we are doing them wrongly.

Why does it matter so much what everyone else thinks of us and what we do? Why can’t we just accept ourselves and our decisions and leave it at that?

Sometimes we will react to an anticipated criticism; a criticism that was never going to be made, taking an aggressive stance that puzzles and offends others. They will not understand that we have a scenario running through our minds and in this scenario it is vital that we are ready to defend ourselves against anyone who disagrees with us or what we do.

There are two linked themes operating when this happens:

• We aren’t sure that who we are and what we do is ever really going to be good enough no matter how we try, and we want to hide this from others if we can.


• We are sure that other people will see that we aren’t good enough, so we get ready to justify and defend ourselves (even though we believe they may be right).

In taking up this position, which we have been playing out since we were very young, we are making two mistakes that make us unhappy:

• Seeing ourselves as flawed in some way is our first mistake. We are completely good enough and there is absolutely nothing to hide.


• Because we believe others will see our imperfection, we look for evidence in what they say and do, that supports this belief. No matter what people actually say to us, we will believe that we detect their disapproval. What we are determined to find we will, whether it is actually there or not.

In this way we have presented ourselves with a self-perpetuating difficulty, based on nothing but an erroneous idea of our own ‘not good enoughness’. This idea grew inside us as a result of our interpretation of our world when we were too young to see the whole truth.

• Stop feeding your feelings of not being good enough. It is making your life sadder and more difficult than it needs to be.


• Stop blaming others for being critical of you. It is you that believe you are wrong, not them.


• Spend time considering the idea of your own goodness and Grace. To do otherwise is a mistake and an insult to the Great Intelligence that created you perfect.

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