The Catalyst

February 29, 2024 - Leap Year. It started as an ordinary Thursday. My work schedule was such that I went into the office Monday through Wednesday, then worked from home Thursday and Friday. The new and fun thing was, it was the first day I was working in my new "home office" that I had been working to set-up and organize for several weeks, since my daughter married and officially moved out. It turned out great, I had set it up in a way that I knew I'd be comfortable and productive, and it looked beautiful which was important because I spent much of my day on video calls. True to my regular workday activities I had some video calls on the schedule. I don't remember who I met with or what I did that morning but at 2:00 in the afternoon I had a meeting scheduled with my boss, we had a few things we needed to iron out and I was excited to show her my new office. I get on the call a few minutes early as is my habit and wait, she joins, and she looks unsettled. I sit there expectantly waiting for her to comment on my new office when I see recognition dawn and she says, "Right your new office…" then she gets really sad and says, "This call isn't going to be easy." and that's went the Director of HR joined the call and all of a sudden, I realized what was happening. I said "Oh" and then my heart rate accelerates, and my ears are filled with this weird pressure like noise, and I can't take in exactly what is being said but I GET it. Some of the words I did hear are 'effective immediately', 'eliminating your position', 'nothing you did', 'just a business decision', 'sending you paperwork that outlines the agreement' and finally 'do you have any questions?'

Do I have any questions? Do I have any questions? My heart is still pounding, it's a little hard to breathe, and there are so many questions and the biggest ones reverberating in my head is 'WHAT? WHY? EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY?' but I am dumbstruck as they sit silently now waiting for me.

I've been on the other side of this call a couple of times in my career, thankfully only a couple, so I know it isn't easy but…wow! I'm in my 24th year with this organization. TWENTY-FOUR YEARS! This is not the separation I had envisioned. There was no thank you for your service, no let's plan an exit strategy, no turnover of tasks or information, just goodbye. I was dismissed, no longer needed, unimportant, without value. It makes me tear up even now writing this because those are some hard facts to face. However, I did not cry, not then. Shockingly, since tears had often been just under the surface as of late, but in the face of reality I just went numb. All of this is what passes through my head in those few moments of silence.

Do I have any questions...I say "I have many questions but nothing that I have the capacity to articulate right now. So, let's just focus on, why effective immediately? Why not give me an opportunity to get things in order?" I am told "It was decided it is best for everyone if we just make the break quick and clean." Really? I say, "Effective immediately, suggests I have done something wrong." To which I am immediately assured it was not my actions that caused this, merely a reorganization of company needs. Then I say, "There are things I am responsible for and in the middle of, I would have tidied it all up with a lovely bow. I have always led with grace in all my actions and responsibilities and would have done so through this as well." My boss says, "I know, I know you would have." Then they tell me I can go clean out my office today or tomorrow. I have been here so many years, I was not even married when I started with the company, I did not have children way back then. I do not have a separate personal life structure, it is all intertwined, so everything is tied up in my computer; my files, my memberships, my… everything. So I said I would go to clean out my office the next day and asked how soon they'd be cutting off my access. They agreed to wait until the following day so I could get what I needed out of the computer and change necessary personal account profiles.

The call ended and I sat dumbfounded for a few minutes trying to make the news sink in. I quickly composed a farewell email but couldn't begin to remember all the people I wanted to say goodbye to, I only managed to remember those I had very recently been in contact with, my brain was simply not processing correctly. Then I started to try to remember what accounts I needed to change or what documents I needed to pull out, again my brain was not able to recall very many things. I was at it for about 2 hours, I hadn't even told my husband yet because of the urgency of time. I figured I had all the time in the world now to discuss things with my husband but my hours for retrieving important things were finite and focus was difficult. Then my husband came into my office and asked if I saw the text from my son-in-law. My response was kind of dismissive, something like "No I didn't, I am a little busy, but I'll check it later, ok?" Though I know that sentence can be delivered in a multitude of ways, my delivery was less than kind.

My husband can sometimes come in while I am working and say things like, "Hey did you know that _______ (insert name of some rock band guitar player that I could not pick out of a line up) just ______(insert some fact that many people would find interesting but I don't understand or relate to)" or he might say "Hey we just ran out of ______, do you think I should go get some?" or "Did you see ______'s text?" (insert name) and if I take time to look, I find its some funny response to some continual text thread one of them sent. It's not that I don't care but that kind of interruption can sometimes knock me out of focus, and I find at the end of the day I never got back to where I was. So, I have on occasion responded to him in a dismissive way.

However, this time he persisted, and I said firmly not quite shouting, "I will look later!" Again, afraid I would not get everything I needed before I got cut off. He started to walk away, and I felt terrible. I was in a state of frenzy, confusion, anger, shock, panic and he had no idea. I called him back and told him what had happened.

He was taken aback, probably said "You're kidding me!?" I don't really remember all he said but I do know when I told him was the first time I cried. And I do know he held me and told me we'd figure things out. And he said, "You need to read the text." Now I am officially worried. I picked up my phone and saw we have more than one crisis to deal with right now. I looked up to heaven and said to God, "Really?!"

Suffice it to say my daughter and my son-in-law needed me. Right then, not later. I called my son-in-law and got some more information and ended with, "I'll be there as soon as I can." They live 2.5 hours away on a good day without any traffic. It was now nearing 5:00pm on a Thursday. I sent a message to my boss and said change of plans, I would not be able to clear out my office the following day I had to go be with my daughter. I asked her to allow me to arrange to go in over the weekend instead. She said to go, and she'd pass on my request. All of a sudden, that which was so important a few minutes ago, was now going to take a back seat to a different, more urgent need. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster!

When I got to their house finally, I had a very long drive that allowed much time for me to think and try to process how our lives had just been upended and everything was going to be different, I decided I was not going to share my news yet, I'd just keep it to myself for a bit.

I prayed a lot about work, especially in the last 18 months, asking God to show me His plan. If I am to be here, if I still have something to offer to anyone here then show me that, but if I should not be here then please God show me that. Just please, make it abundantly clear what your plan is for me.

I guess it couldn't be any clearer…