Surrender: Phase 2

Surrender according to Merriam Webster

Verb;

to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand

Or according to Oxford Languages

Verb;

cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.

Enemy? Opponent? I don't understand. I trust God to take care of me…don't I? He is certainly not the enemy, is he, my opponent? I didn't think so…

The Oxford Languages definition of opponent is -

Noun;

someone who competes against or fights another in a contest, game, or argument, a rival or adversary.

Also - a person who disagrees with or resists a proposal or practice

Hmmm. Ok if you asked me where I was "at" in my relationship with God several weeks ago, I would have said "I'm in a great place! I surrendered to Him and His Will long ago." That is what I would have said and in many areas of my life I'd say that was true. However, is it true in ALL areas. Well, I guess not but how do I go about figuring that out?

So, I started to reexamine my life and my decisions. Really trying to understand where I surrendered to His will and where I where I took up the proverbial wheel and drove myself. Things had been happening both in my heart and at my place of business for quite some time. I don't know if this is true for everyone but when I take time to sit and review my life, I see certain moments as pivotal. I see the choices I made and can follow the results forward. I can see when I make a bad choice and the effect that choice has in my life later on, but I also see God's hand working to bring me back to his path for me. The results in the rearview usually have me gob smacked. I will detail some of these points later on but for now let's stick with my work life because that is what I needed to reflect on during lent.

As I look back, I can see lots of signs in the past 12 months, but those things I knew, I had recently and painfully lived them. What about before that? What about the last 23+ years? There were times I loved my job, actually I'd say I loved most of it, so that's pretty good. But looking back I'd say my first bump in the road happened right after I returned from my last maternity leave 10 years ago and there were a few more bumps in the years to come. But at each of those bumps I learned something new, either learning from an experience or learning a new skill or discipline. All of it stacking on top of each other like building blocks, all of it preparing me for now.

How many times did I think I was in control? How many times did I veer to the left or right of His plan? Always He made a lesson from it and I try to learn the lesson, more often than I'd like though the lesson has to be repeated. This takes me back to the definitions of surrender. I have resisted and I had been resisting something he'd been telling me for some time. Why? Because I was afraid. Hard for me to admit because I say, "I don't have fears." So let me be specific. I do not have fears where God is concerned, I know he will lead me and care for me. I have witnessed it time and again. (I'll dive into this later.) So, what am I afraid of? I am afraid it's me, I won't be enough. The voice inside my head that says you can't, that says you really aren't good enough, that shouts WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID? That is what I am afraid of, because…what if it's true?

I am not actually prone to negativity. I can be self-confident and one of my top strengths is positivity, how then do these worms (that is what I call the fearful thoughts) get hold of my brain? I do not really know. But I know it happens when I need to be bold, or I feel God urging me in a direction that is so wholly unfamiliar to me as it would to be on another planet. Especially when the risk involves more than just me.  What if I get it wrong and my error affects my family?

Every time I have thought about what God has been preparing me for, I'd think what if I am wrong. What if He is not saying that at all. What if the signs are being put up by someone who only wants me to fail? See how that double talk works? Then I freeze and just sit in my fear. Knowing I am probably NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

So here is where surrender really comes in. Reread the last three paragraphs. All the negative and fear filled sentences have I as the subject.

I was in control

I veer

I resisted

I feared

I am not enough

I fail my family

So I spent all of lent examining these things. Understanding how I have been His opponent, adversary, rival and I didn't even mean to. It is all born of fear. But does the bible not teach us not to fear? It wouldn't be in there so many times if we didn't need reminders. One of the days during lent I even went as far as to look up all the "fear not" verses so I could hold out my arms and take the leap of faith!

I said this prayer every day, many times a day - "Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything."

Through trust and perseverance, I have come to understand…

He is in control

He makes straight my path

He makes everything possible

He removes my fear

He makes me ENOUGH

He guides and cares for my family

Now I need to let go of my ego and make peace